Inside my heart

If a heart weeps for all that is gone

Must it place value in only that left behind?

If a moment in time is all that we have together

Will you remember me when your last breath reminds you there is none left?

If a baby bunny can nourish itself from my well-tendered garden intended for me

Could the disease inside of me eat away at my strength til there is none left to redeem?

Yeah that last one doesn’t encourage me much so I better stop right there.  I’m struggling to make sense of the 12 hours of seizure attacks that ended yesterday.  Periodic re-occurrences continued of course leaving me afraid to go to bed whenever I got brave enough to go to bed.  Wretchedness with writhing, head-banging, moaning, and more greet me in the first stages of “sleep” every night.  Make sense out of that one!  These episodes make me suspicious of anything that might trigger them.  Inside my heart I am angry,  I am hurt.  I am exasperated.  I am . . .

I am in need of renewal inside and out.  Where are you Lord?  Fill my spirit with your unending grace.  Please make your presence known such that I might endure, recover from this hell.  I submit to You my king.  There is none like You.  For your glory.  Amen.  JJ


3 thoughts on “Inside my heart

  1. Tazored multiple times this morning during a violent seizure attack episode. Steve carried me to the bathroom again then back to bed. Hell broke loose thereafter as he prayed for deliverance, relief. I was able to get up later and get something to eat. Let’s just say I’m pretty beaten up right now, spacey as can be, and glad to have an appointment with the dentist later today.

    “Dentist” you say? Yes, to rule out infection underneath some teeth that have been sore & sensitive for long time. This could be the cause of this illness . . . More later. Just had to vent. Thanks for listening. JJ

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