Tag: trust in the Lord

The Geographical Cure Uncovered

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In a way you could say that the promise of “starting over” has helped me move from:

  • junior high school student to community leader
  • my childhood home to college,
  • Detroit to Chicagoland,
  • employee to team leader,
  • health care professional to graduate student,
  • ACOA and religion to a personal relationship with Jesus Christ
  • a single life to marriage twice,
  • Chicagoland to Fort Wayne, and
  • private journaling to online blogging!

Just wondering:  how many of you, my gentle readers, have experienced this too?  How many of us have initially and privately hoped that the simple move from one lifestyle to another, one geographical location to another, one relationship to another, one worker role to a promotion, or more would somehow be all we needed to change what is wrong or uncomfortable in our lives?  The excitement, the risk to the unknown, the new adventure surely would change everything and bring true happiness!  The lure, the answer to prayer, the next pursuit will be “it.”  After all, once we have moved on, that person who bugs us, the issue we don’t want to face, the pain that we simply can no longer bear, the emptiness in our hearts will go also away, right?  In our minds we might figure that won’t have to deal with him or her, with it anymore.

Not!  The only problem with this mentality I have found, is that I take myself with me to the new destination!  What I mean is that if I have not prepared my heart to let go of the past, deal with the past, and found new ways of coping with the past, I will somehow recreate the problem in the new location.  Not true, you say?  You are different?  Are you sure?

May I share my most graphic example?  I grew up in a modest blue collar home tainted by alcoholism, financial strife, divorce, abuse, and my maladaptive coping style of workaholism.  Sure I had lots of friends, school and community service activities, and spending money from working but my inner life was chaotic even sad.  If anyone could read my thoughts at that time I would surely be in trouble with someone, somewhere!  Out of sheer determination to improve my life as a young adult and get away from my domineering mother, I set my sights on college.  Within 3 months after graduation, I moved out-of-State alone to the Chicago area for my first job when I could not find one locally.  I had to get away anyways.  Finally I would be free from my past and able to live my life as I wanted.

It took about a year for me to realize that my problems had moved with me!  My “stinking thinking,” the unhealthy people with whom I ended up associating, the social habits I once despised, and the compulsive work ethic to succeed at all costs mimicked the dysfunction of my childhood home.  I walked further and further from my Catholic upbringing.  I set my sights on more career achievements and prepared to enter graduate school.  When my double-life and underlying feelings couldn’t catch up with my ambitions, I sought counseling to fix it.  Turns out it would take a long time, a lot of money, many different avenues of recovery leading to a personal relationship with Jesus Christ to find freedom.  The geographical move away from “home” did not do anything to fix anything!

There’s a simple phrase I’ve come across over the years that goes, “wherever you go, there you are.”  It’s so silly yet it’s very profound.  We take ourselves with us just as we are wherever we go.  If we don’t change, the change in circumstances won’t change much of anything either.

Flash forward 25 years and I hope that you will find that my life today is very different then back then.  The trials and tragedies during the interim years have been almost unbelievable at times.   During 2003 to 2005 I was forced to start over as a single woman and completely move five times.  This year I’d say that was a warm up act for the fourteen changes in sleeping locations over seventy-six days during the process of mold remediation at home!  The difference between then and now, between the Detroit to Chicagoland move in 1983, was how the Lord allowed me to handle it.  Only by the grace of God have I ever truly moved forward.  With my life surrendered to Him and with the spiritual leadership of the Holy Spirit and my husband, there was no trauma in relocating this time; the stress was normal.  There was no magical thinking; I didn’t need to win the lottery to be at peace.  If the change turned out well or not, I would be o.k. and the Lord would and has provided for my needs.  The Lord used each move this time to show me His love and plan for my life and the people that came along were His chosen instruments:  pretty cool folks.

I have given pretty graphic examples here in uncovering the illusion of a “geographical cure.”  Some of you will be able to relate to my situation and some will not.  Please get the take home message written best by the God of the Bible:

Romans 8:28

28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  (NIV)

Each step of the way can be useful, never wasted if we but seek first His face, His kingdom, and

Romans 12:2

2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. (NIV)

The first step is to look to the real cure for all that ails us, the One who created us.

Matthew 6:33

33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  (NIV)

For those that call Him Lord, He will give us no more that we can handle, the desires of our hearts, a way out when needed, and much goodness; our thoughts and desires both conform and grow in our walk with Him.  The pain, the fear, the adventure of letting go will be worth the journey if we but commit ourselves to Him.  The move to follow Him will bring a spiritual cure of sorts that will exceed any that we might create or imagine on our own in this life and the next!  The cure, the answer to our prayers, may also relate less to our jobs, our families and friends, our places of residence, our ministries, than the condition of our hearts.  Our minds become sanctified; our hearts become free.

A fun outcome for me with the move to Fort Wayne to marry Steve was learning to kayak at age 47.  This would have been emotionally painful if not terrifying just a few years earlier!  And yet few years after relocating and opening my heart to this new love, I became physically stronger than I’d ever been and progressed from a tandem plastic, pedal-driven Hobie Oasis to a solo introductory racing Stellar SR surf ski!  Wow Jesus.  Talk about restoring the years the locusts have eaten!  (Joel 2:25)

Yeah, kayaking in my own vessel may be on hold for awhile while I am recovering from Lyme Disease, but so what.  It will be waiting for me, Lord willing, when the time is right on the most perfect of sunny days.  In the meantime, I’ll paddle just along leisurely in the back of our ocean-style, tandem 24 foot outrigger canoe with a hot kayak racer/husband forging the rough waters in the front!  Woweeee indeed!

So if you’re “starting over,” moving on, beginning a new chapter in your life, I encourage you to double check to see if there is any relational editing or heart check needed in the chapter, in the place that you are in right now.  I gotta tell ya that if you don’t, the past could come back to bite you in the shorts when you least expect it.  I don’t want that for you or for me.  Take a spiritual inventory.  Come to Christ and ask Him to search your heart and lead you into all righteousness, cleansed and free.  (Psalm 139:23-24)  If you do, true joy awaits you.  I’m sure of this.

And then the dog threw up

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Elle's Bone
Elle’s Bone

It’s all over now.  The Lord sustained us through another crazier than imaginable 24 hours.  If all things work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28), then all is well in this moment.

From Steve’s side:  he worked all day yesterday, drove to our home (undergoing mold/dust restoration), moved furniture, gathered a few things from Julie’s short list, ran his clothes through the dryer (to remove the noxious dust), showered, then drove back to the hotel room to meet his bride around 12:30 a.m.  Dinner was waiting and so was elusive sleep . . .

From Julie’s side:  I had endured days of noxious neuromuscular events (aka “herxing”) as a side effect of a new round of antibiotics, completed a medical appointment and Lyme treatment, arranged for the furnace to be cleaned in the hotel room, made dinner, and tried to get myself to sleep after making/cleaning up from dinner.  Seizure attacks interrupted my sleep and woke up Steve a few times as well, unfortunately.  I felt terrible for him!  Headaches and a myriad of yucky symptoms returned for me and I was unable to get up and take an Epsom salt bath to help mitigate the symptoms.  By 4:15 a.m. I was too numbed out too be bummed.  Perhaps that’s grace, I suppose.

The alarm went off to attempt to wake me from whatever sleep had transpired.  Steve turned it off and I drifted off to sleep for a moment until the sound of our dog gasping then heaving awakened both of us.  Yuck!  I dragged her into the bathroom just in time for the lamb bone from yesterday to make it’s reappearance.  Well, we were both out of bed by this time!  Happy Wednesday.

Steve decided to go into work a little late today and went back to bed.  As for me, the dentist appointment was a disaster.  This is recovery from Lyme Disease on a bad day.  It ain’t for wimps!  Even the maximum amount of nitrous oxide was not enough to prevent re-triggering seizure attacks as the procedure began.  The dentist and hygienist were gracious in employing every coping strategy we could muster to get me through it; the warmed water in a syringe for rinsing and the blue “blanky” helped some.  What was to be two procedures in two hours turned out to be one procedure in three hours plus 10 minutes on straight oxygen, 30 minutes in the lobby, and 30 minutes in my vehicle in the parking lot.  Whew.  I guess that I’m just on a different time table that’s all?

I do believe the NIKKEN Kenkotherm comforter with advanced magnetic technology is calling me for a nap about now.  I’m on a new antibiotic and I feel more stable.  Thank you Lord for my coconut yogurt treat when I got back to the room. And I love the feel of my warm puppy at my feet as I’m writing this to you from the hotel lobby.  The staff is so nice here.

********************************************************************

Nope.  Still not “there yet.”  Just endured another temporary setback that’s all.  Still haven’t arrived at “the station” noted in the Part 2 blog and may never fully “get there.”  This moment is good.  It’s all I have anyways.

You know, I think I need some chips too.  :J

Do we love the Lord a little?

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Little-Girl-Dreaming-of-the-World--56003This article is from Dave McCarrell and the February 13th issue of PGM News, a non-copyrighted newsletter of Pacific Garden Mission in Chicago, Illinois

“Little by little, some Christians are growing a “Little” careless.  On Sunday mornings they sleep a Little late, and come to church a Little tardy.  Some doze a Little, listen a Little to the sermon and give a Little in the offering.  After dismissal, they argue a Little, gossip a Little, and go home and forget what Little they heard, and act a Little as if they care Little for the greatest, grandest, holiest, and most precious privilege on the earth — that of worshiping and serving the Lord Jesus Christ.

I may have exaggerated a Little, but very Little, and in some things I may have omitted a Little, “O ye of Little faith” (Matt. 6:30, 8:26, and 16:8).  ” . . . thou has been faithful in a very Little . . .” (Luke 19:17).  “Yet a Little while and that shall come, will come and will not tarry” (Heb. 10:37).

Little-by-Little, we can improve a Little by putting forth a Little effort in seeking to overcome a Little evil.  Little evils do not remain Little.  So a Little thought given to Little things may produce a Little improvement in a Little time.”

After reading the above by an unnamed author, I was challenged by the thougt of the many Little things I let distract me from the important things God has for me.  I am sure all of you, if honest would say the same thing.  Then I was challenged by the ultimate question that our Lord asked Peter, and the question we as believers all must respond to:  “Peter do you love me more than these things?”  (See John 21)15-17)

Instead of these things, in our case, I believe God is asking us:  “Do you love Me more than the Little things you have brought into your life?  Examples could be sports, TV, movies, material possessions, homes, cars, questionable friends, etc.  What a great opportunity to examin what Little things are keeping us from experiencing God’s best for us.

“JUST JULIE’S” ADDENDUM:  Thank you Lord for this reminder that You are not only Lord over all things big and little, You care about all of the things in our lives, big and little.  I can trust You with every detail of my life.  Yup, every one.  I lay my cares at the foot of Your throne of grace for your tender care.  You know what they are and in that fact, I rest this day.  Love,  Julie

The Drama Continues: Sleeping Location #12 in 16 Days

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“Praise You In This Storm”  (Casting Crowns)

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still rainingAs the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away[Chorus:]
And I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus]

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

[Chorus x2]

Listen Live:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ype1xE0wzsg

Reference:  Psalm 121

Sometimes you wait

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Sometimes you simply have to wait for the next steps to be revealed.

Felt lost again today sitting in the hotel room, trying to function, and working my way out of the stress of being displaced indefinitely.  My husband, Steve, was able to contact the insurance company about out potential mold restoration claim and the word continues to be, “we are waiting on management” to make a determination.

Tomorrow I’ll meet a friend at my home, donn the respirator mask, and take down the Christmas decorations.  Thank you Cindy Jakacki-Null!  Later I may have an appointment to fix my hair; long overdue.  Life goes on, you know, and having things to do helps manage the stress of what still feels like a crisis situation.  I pray constantly and feel the Lord right here with me, ordering my steps, keeping me calm, helping me to shower and complete a load of laundry today.

That’s all I can do today.  Steve will be over later for dinner and stay with me.  I love and miss him.  I’m working on letting go of everything and living in a smaller increment of time than when I was very sick.  This situation and these feelings will pass.  I know this because I have been in this situation before and have seen the Lord’s incredible faithfulness, mercy, and blessing for His glory.  “It takes what it takes” for His purpose to be revealed in me and you.  I did enjoy some fellowship time at our church last night by the way; that was a huge accomplishment and the first time in many weeks . . .

My life was upside down in January of 2005.  The divorce I was forced into was finalized; my mom was suffering 300 miles away, the effects of lung cancer treatment; my car had died and needed replacement within a day; I had just settled into a new rental condo and a fire in an adjacent unit displaced me in a temporary apartment for four months.  I was traumatized by escaping through a firy stairwell.  While some of the circumstances were different, I felt lost then like I do now.  I was unable to tolerate the stress of working in a mental health hospital that requires each staff person to participate in take downs of out of control patients.  I sought outside help to sort things out.  Some time later, I confided in a couple of deacons at my church, psuedo-father figures, and asked them what to do.   They advised me to stabilize my situation through purchasing a place of my own.  Talk about a leap of faith!  I had not yet recovered from the emotional and financial ruin of divorce when the new crisis occurred.   I did what I had to do and moved forward on faith.

Soon thereafter, the Lord began the restoration process.  The empty rental apartment to which the insurance company had moved me provided no reminders of my former life and every opportunity to reflect, pray, renew.  Strange how things work together (Reference:  Romans 8:28).  I purchased a few simple items to make the place “home” and followed the Lord’s leading in re-creating my life.  Within a relatively short time, I was in a lovely new 2-bedroom condo in a very desirable area of town.  Financial blessings arrived in very unexpected ways:  gifts, insurance settlements, and more.  My new home was lovely and in many ways better than my town home in the past.  My balcony overlooking a lush courtyard was a menagerie of flowers, a window box from my childhood, a restored outdoor mirror, native grasses, sparkly beaded garlands, and a tea set for two.  The Lord provided me with yards and yards of cheap unbleached muslin from a local textile company to create a custom window treatment of which I’d always wanted.  Rich ceramic tile adorned the powder room in chocolate leather-distressed motif and in a sandy beach-like texture in the master bath.  My office reflected a Japanese company motif of which I had become fond with a sculpted cream carpeting.  Then came the mural . . .

In the center wall bisecting the unit, the true healing work began with a 15-foot collage of natural papers.  Words of poetic inspiration had become my writing therapy at that time and became the centerpiece of the design.  I had never done anything of this scale before and have not had a desire to attempt another project like it since then.  By the end of the year, the work was complete.  I had also finished a course with a healing prayer ministry about this time.  Yes, it was time to celebrate so much.  We held a special service in my home with the inner circle of friends who had witnessed and the Lord used to facilitate the transformation within me.  The inscription on “the wall” in drop-down area in the living room read simply in the words of Winnie the Pooh:  “I likes me best when I’m with you.”

Within a year, the next party in my home was an engagement party.  Wow!  How much fun we had with the scavenger hunt to help everyone become acquainted with the love of my life, Steve Horney.  The place was packed!  When I look at the pictures of that special evening one characteristic was clear:  everyone was smiling brightly!  Me too.  Tee hee.  The Lord had restored the years the locusts had eaten (Reference:  Joel 2:25).

So it is with great faith and a weak, recovering frame, that I wait expectantly on my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  He was my strength in 2005 and is my strength now.

I think my laundry is done.  Talk atcha later . . .  :J

P.S.  The week before the fire in the earlier condo apartment, I had just finished painting a different mural on a center wall.  The design was a metaphorical representation of a bridge, symbolizing moving from one chapter in my life to the other.  I had hoped to paint a silhouette of a woman on the wall, pointing towards an outside window but couldn’t find a suitable design to copy.  Sunday night, January 19, 2005, I had just finished my laundry, cleaned my apartment and was settling down with my favorite snack when the fire alarm went off.  Turns out I would never return to live at that apartment again.  Many weeks later in relaying this story to some dear friends, they had a poetic explanation for me of the incomplete design:  I became the woman on the wall, crossing over the bridge to my new life.  Yes, I believe so!  Thank you Jesus for my new life and for being there with me every step of the way.  That frightful night you reminded me of my life verse that I gratefully depicted on the new mural in the new home.  Please see Jeremiah 29:11 for the hope we all have when we but believe in Him who saved us.