suffering – Page 12 – Jesus is for the Wounded

It’s just not my turn that’s all

Published on December 21, 2015December 21, 2015 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

Another day slipped into history as I pondered the gratitude I felt for a recent task accomplished. It’s no matter that the wrapping of Christmas presents got done from about 2 to 6 in the morning on Saturday. That’s just how I roll these days . . .

Social media is one of the ways that I employ to counter the tremendous isolation I experience while overcoming a serious illness. I used to be shy about it. Many folks write about their need for a sabbatical occasionally when Facebook and the like become too big of a time eraser. My life is structured differently I guess . . .

My brother, Michael, often talked about the support he felt from fellow poker players online. Really? How can you experience anything valuable from an anonymous side chat in a gambling venue of penny poker through the internet? Flash forward ten years. Now I get it. Mike was home all of the time caring for our mother who was struggling with lung cancer, chemotherapy, and alcoholism. The things that he endured were very difficult. He would say that he never knew what he would find when he returned home from running out to the store or anywhere at all, making it difficult to get things done. Those little touch points with his fellow poker players gave him the assurance he needed to do what he had to do the rest of the day . . .

Should life return to “normal” one day for me then my time spent here with you will naturally diminish. I’ll be sleeping in the wee hours of the morning instead of wide awake in the recovery phase of a hellish nightmare earlier that evening. I have already grieved about it, the loss I mean. So much time has passed with so little getting done in my own life. Perhaps the tasks that have been completed are not measured on a calendar or my “To Do List?” For those in Christ Jesus, we know that to be true.

Another example is how I finished reviewing a copy of a canoe and kayak paddling magazine last night for which my husband is the Editor. I guess I can now add “Assistant Editor” to my resume for my contributions to the first four issues. Cool beans. I could list a bunch of crafty Christmas things that I would rather be doing yet that was not my calling for those hours. Many will be blessed by this sacrifice including me.

Ever feel this way when sidetracked from your dreams, Gentle Reader? In ways big and small we may struggle to discipline ourselves to do the tasks we must do when our hearts are in another room or time zone. Know what I mean?

The bottom line for me on this subject tonight is that the sooner I rest in the promises of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, the sooner I will realize that I am perfectly where I need to be. He will provide everything I need from the breath that is not coming easily to the assembly of a Christmas gift still in boxes strewn here and there. I know from another tumultuous time in my life that the Lord does answer our prayers in due time. The waiting, the setbacks, the anticipation make the rewards sweeter. How can I expect to make it to the finish line with style and grace if I give up on the last leg of the race? I will not!

So don’t you give up on me either, k? And please hang tough if you are going through challenging times as well. If you need to cry out for help then please do so NOW. Our God promises in His Word that:

³The Lord will strengthen him on his bed of illness;
You will sustain him on his sickbed.

Psalm 41:3 New King James Version (NKJV)

He will see us through to our last breath if we but call upon His name. My Heavenly Father has done so for me a thousand times. He will do so for you too. Tonight I am praying for us both. JJ

Look into my eyes

Published on December 18, 2015December 18, 2015 by Jesus is for the Wounded1 Comment

In my very early contacts with who would become my Intended Beloved, I realized that I had not seen any close-up pictures of him. We had met online after Steve had found me in the database of the dating website Yahoo Personals. He certainly spoke and wrote like a God-fearing man yet I could not yet see it in his eyes! “Could you send me a picture that includes a look into your eyes closer-up?” I asked. Here is one that he sent me.

steve-self 005-small

I was tickled that he took the time (long before the convenience of smart phones, by the way) to set up his tripod, take and upload the photos, then send them to me via email! Wow. He must have liked my profile photo a bit more than I thought already?

6A1H2701

Flash forward less than a year and the look we have as we gaze at each other at our wedding probably tells its own story . . .

wed-10

How could I possibly know that this gaze would only deepen, soften, and grow to a bond impervious to the tempestuous trials that came our way four years later? Only the Lord knew what was ahead of us. Only the Lord and the workings of the Holy Spirit could move this love to such a tender place built to last.

Funny thing is that I do not have a recent picture to show you what I mean. We just haven’t been able to go out as much to make memories worthy of recording. A photo taken on our recent anniversary may show a bit of weariness for me. Yet if you look closely, that’s a mighty strong arm holding me closely to his side. The joy on Steve’s face is unmistakable. That’s an arm of protection, of leadership, of devotion like no other wrapped tightly around me on a cool wintry night.

Crop of 8th Anniversary

I am so very grateful to see the eyes of Christ in my precious Steve. Like my Lord Jesus, Steve is even more wonderful than the day I met him. His love has transformed my heart for sure.

Ever look into the eyes of someone like that, Gentle Reader? Was it long ago? Oh I hope that if it has not yet happened then it will someday soon! When it does I hope that you will tell the world about it. Maybe with a song like this one, in celebration of the eyes of love tonight:

robin hood — A hero always fights for his bride

Heart of Worship

Published on December 2, 2015December 2, 2015 by Jesus is for the Wounded1 Comment

Reaching out to my King tonight. He loves me so. He loves you so.

Really, He does. :J

True Love, He Says

Published on November 2, 2015November 2, 2015 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

Looking into his eyes in the dim light this eve

Knowing how he carried me through the hour gone before,

I had to wince in disbelief then fall more deeply into the blue

He demonstrated his heart once again with eyes that shone on me once more.

How did I ever earn the affections of a heart so pure?

I wondered then left him sleeping, hoping to wind out what was left

As my evening had more hours to go, my To Do list already trashed

No matter the weakness of my days to discover that this part of living is best.

My love understands what it really means to care

When to be strong, to lie within reach, to call just to say, “hi;”

He slays the dragons out there by land and by sea

Then rescues this damsel as needed (no matter how many times)!

To say that I am grateful

Would be too tiny when I am humbled more than that:

A real man has chosen to love me forever

May the Lord bless us both for the journey: true love magnificat. JJ

It Just Doesn’t Matter that much anymore

Published on November 1, 2015November 1, 2015 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

What others think of me, especially online, used to concern me to the point of scrutinizing every typo and punctuation mark! Tell you what, it just doesn’t matter that much anymore (IJDMTMA).

Keeping in mind the reason for every significant action in my life so I can justify it, rationalize any lapse in judgment, or simply give me another reason to criticize myself occupies less of my mental space these days. It takes too much energy. Any other reasons would go against what I just said! IJDMTMA.

Cataloging significant records that document the divorce I endured, the major court case I lost, the medical conditions that have come my way, too many artifacts and photos of special events, and purchasing new file cabinets to keep track of these events and more (I have 15 packed drawers in various lateral files, desk drawers and file cabinets, plus quite a few plastic bins around!) involves more-purging-than-storing these days. If I need it that badly surely I can find it online somewhere, right? IJDMTMA.

I now live in a town where the cost of living is so affordable that a few people I know have a second home just to store their stuff! Or folks rent storage spaces in addition to their primary residences (and I am not talking about those living in an apartment or condo!). Gratefully my husband, Steve, and I live in a modest home that requires us to purge stuff periodically! We don’t want to keep accumulating stuff! This Christmas I will need to discard numerous Christmas decorations that were up before we remediated our home for mold damage. The most treasured items will be consolidated into one bin. I’m going to have to get tough and proclaim: IJDMTMA.

Similarly, musty memories, painful flashbacks, grief beyond what most must endure, and the drag-me-down burdens that comprise life’s worries have come to the surface with the wretched convulsive episodes of the illness I have been battling. I simply could not stop the process if I tried. Perhaps these came as a consequence of a few illnesses that have affected my brain? No one knows. What I do know is that If there are to be any redeeming benefits to the nightmares of these past 4 years it must include the involuntary healing that came as these demons were set free. Yes, the seizures helped release some bad stuff going on in my head. Carrying this mental baggage has gone down immensely along with the emotional pain. A different kind of healing has occurred as a result. Joyfully, IJDMTMA.

The losses of what I once held so dear (i.e. many relationships, my occupational role of 32 years, more financial freedom, certain activities, physical fitness, and the ability to function normally) has been heartbreaking. But just like learning to let go of other people, places, and things in my life, these intangibles had to be released to the care of my Heavenly Father as well. At this point I do not know if any of them will come back. Amazingly I have discovered that I still can have some good moments, make new friends and memories, have everything that I really need, and experience love like never before even with a total life makeover. To the need for having things be just so I say, IJDMTMA. Life goes better when held more lightly in the wonder of the moment . . .

How do I convey that “IJDMTMA” is a relatively peaceful, not a sad or angry place in which to be? I simply have to be here right now. This attitude has become like a protective coating to keep me from falling apart, from losing what is left, from thinking that my Jesus has abandoned me. He has not! IJDMTMA is the construct into which I must retreat lest the grieving of what is no longer here overtakes me and blinds me to the goodness that still remains. In Ezekiel 3:8, the Lord shows His prophet that He will indeed allow him to become “hardened” so that Ezekiel may not lose heart as he carries out the work of ministering to the nation of Israel still in exile. Wow! A God-ordained rebellion of sorts will help keep Ezekiel from discouragement. A toughening will help him and his gifts to continue to be used for God’s glory. Yes, I want the will and glory of my Lord too. In the cocoon my Lord has woven for me I can say to all that other stuff: IJDMTMA.

It just doesn’t matter that much anymore that things aren’t the way they should be or used to be. I am still here and that matters to me. Much goodness still surrounds me as I look around this room where I am sitting and see the pictures, handiwork, awards, furniture, and records that tell the stories of Steve and Julie. Cool beans. Better yet, just look into our eyes or sit and chat a spell to see more closely what real life looks like in those who are grounded in trusting the Lord for each hour of the day. It isn’t perfect. We don’t want our lives to be perfect anyways. I have a sense that maybe yours isn’t perfect either. It’s going to be o.k. for those who are in Christ Jesus. One day soon we will be in His presence and the real stuff of life will be revealed. And with His glorious light shining all around us we will be with our Lord and Savior for always . . .

Coming to faith in Christ does matter to make this all possible. Dwelling in the presence of the Lord for all time will bring lightness of heart for all of eternity. I will be there. Will I get to see you there too Gentle Reader?

I’m tired. Goodnight all. JJ