faith – Page 11 – Jesus is for the Wounded

A Tender Place

Published on March 6, 2017March 6, 2017 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

Hellebores, hybrid, tender, lenten rose, blog, poetry, prose, Winter, early Spring

So if the Lenten rose can bloom amidst the snow

Yet if I not carry forth my joy past the continuing rain

Does that make me a bad person, my beloved, my dear?

He told his tale with passion once and again and again

Yet I have not seen the same victory these many years

Does that make me ungrateful before my Savior, my King?

To celebrate this one’s renewed life, ’twas hard-won indeed

Doth makes me part of this man’s humanity in Christ

Yes, takes little, no none from my own pool of goodness . . .

And yet I cried and pushed myself away, away for a time

Lest my tears steal more than the punch line to come,

Dost my ingrace keep me from moving forward one day?

Aye this is a tender place whereat I have landed

Not bad, non-indifferent, full of meaning that I like

Where life meets the road upon which it travels and perceives.

My Lord knows this woe: He cried for the sorrows we do endure

Then gave the breath from His very lips so that we may live,

Be free of it all at last, the strife, every bit, you and I both.

For we two understand what it means to face death

To fear the life places that would ignite some others to thrive

But it took a tragedy beyond belief to get us moving right.

We may have wrestled then let go as our Redeemer carried us along

Finding one day that peace hath returned: covering the tenderness

Becoming the places that defined us whilst ending the story done well.

[My hope is that I am in one of them right now, Gentle Reader.] JJ

The Space Between

Published on February 6, 2017February 12, 2017 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

Perhaps this was a movie title or that of an old business card

Ah, the lingering spaces between events good, bad, or ugly

Do hold some value despite their lack of measurement on scale.

I spend them wandering through the hallways of our home by day by night

From bed to couch to chair to bed, ahhhhh not much going on here

When sickness marks the hours wanting for an answer, something new.

Antibiotics are on hold from now til whenever as this past year ends

With little change beyond fewer hours of the worst of the hell, I guess

And the unwelcome addition of thirty-four new diagnoses to boot!

I have learned so much of what to do and what not to do as well

My stack of papers tell a long tale witnessed by ERs, a few friends,

A weary husband, and scores of medical peeps paid by someone to care.

My goal to find meaning in these places between crises, visits to hell

Has gone dry like a wellspring once filled with life now bone on bone dry

Stained with spent tears, one worn-out puppy, and a purse now threadbare.

The money went away with five years of living the, uh, alternative life:

Don’t call me “disabled” for there still is a bit o’ fight within me, down deep

To endure this long “medical leave” on my way to a makeover not yet revealed.

So as I breathe in the goo between the more defined places of this life

I take note that here is where energy can move along unencumbered

And one day may bring me to my own railway “Station” or at least my next big stop . . .

♥

Gentle Reader, I hope you will be there waiting for me, won’t you? JJ

So much to consider

Published on January 26, 2017February 12, 2017 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

So we come to a crossroads, my beloved and I

From where will we go from here to continue my care?

No cure hath cometh from a year of killer drugs within

Five years of tortuous suffering with costs beyond compare.

We don’t know why the trauma continues to this day

Whether it will continue or end? There are no promises

That when we show up in this life that all will be grand

But shunting the yearn for heaven my dear, the treats beyond.

Today I am tired but stable, weak but reflective

Grateful for so much while I ponder theses woes . . .

My beloved is sweeter than honey

His warmth a comfort to my hol-ey bones

He loves me deeply still; I see it every day

And life’s sweetest: love from this man I have come to know.

Alas I search the scripture and find that even Job

Needed to trust in the Lord not knowing why

His suffering exceeded the faith of his friends, his kin

When all was really a battle within the spiritual realm

Having very little to do with his past, to do with him.

So in the seasoning of the late missionary, Helen Roseveare

“Can you thank me for trusting you with this experience

Even if I never tell you why?” God asked of her in the midst of terror.

“He doesn’t have to tell us why,” she would learn

“But He often does in His gracious, loving mercy,” for sure.

So I will seek the perspective of the privilege

It is to be used in this life by the Lord almighty

Relinquish my frame to His plan and outrageous love

Then wait and see: He is worthy. My response: humility.

God, sun breaking through clouds, sunrise, sunset, storm, hope, rays of sun, sunshine, clearing

The way it should be

Published on November 21, 2016November 21, 2016 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

We had planned to be in Texas to see my hubby’s family this week for Thanksgiving but it was not to be due to “the illness.”

I had hoped to get some cleaning, shopping, planning, and cooking done days ago but things did not turn out that way. The cleaning got done at 3 o’clock Monday morning!

The special oatmeal dish that my hubby makes for me when I am recovering from seizures was to be off my special diet right now . . . until I had another episode rendering me too weak to consider anything else.

One afternoon my beloved was carrying me to the bathroom due to a neurological collapse episode and the next day we were working together after dark on winterizing our landscaping.

Alternate plans for a family gathering in Arkansas would have saved us a significant amount of driving but my In-laws decided not to change their plans; my hubby’s parents even chose not to add another “leg” onto their California-to-Texas-and-back trip as we had hoped and discussed.

Lying in bed each day this past weekend was broken up by a few meals in the kitchen, barely recovered from intractable back pain that sent me to the emergency room this past Monday.

My LLMD decided to treat my back with his chiropractic finesse despite my visit lasting 15+ minutes beyond when his timer went off. He never does that. I benefitted tremendously.

The new antibiotics prescribed to treat a co-infection of (chronic) Lyme disease has had the effect of increasing my most noxious symptoms instead of alleviating them. My private pay costs increased $45 each week instead of decreasing as my treatment days diminished from 3 to 2.

The compounding pharmacy is now able to make my prescribed mineral IV treatment after declining the ability to craft the prior prescription, saving us hundreds of dollars and incredible inconveniences travelling to a clinic 2-hours from home. My home health nurse reports that the new plan meets the criteria of her agency so we can schedule the start of bi-monthly infusions within a couple of weeks.

Two home infusions were cancelled during the transition from one antibiotic to two but my home health nurse was off sick those days that I usually received treatment anyways.

I sent an expedited check to make a payment for the medical bills on my credit card by the due date but the credit union never received it. Someone named “John” supposedly signed for it but it was never found. They reimbursed me for both the check and the “stop payment” fee.

I could go on . . .

If there is anything that I have learned over these 5 years of illness is that things are never as they should be. Well actually I knew that long before 2011 from my work with PEOPLE in healthcare. Peeps are finicky, change their minds, let you down, show up late or not at all, get sick, get on board with the program eventually, give into emotions over reason, love you anyways, or just plain old don’t care sometimes. In the end it’s not about the individuals really. It’s about where I am placing my trust.

A wise pastor (Bill Hybels of Willow Creek Community Church in Barrington, IL) once preached that we are to, “Trust God, Love People.” Yes indeed. Our ultimate hope for things turning out the way they should be should be in the person of Jesus Christ. We are to love everyone else as unto the Lord. Only He will never forsake us, never fail us, and deliver right on time every time.

Alrighty then. This rant is now over. It is just before sunrise and my nurse will be here in a few hours to administer my care. I seem past the bewitching hour of the nightly seizure attacks so I will probably try to get a nap of sorts. Two bags of antibiotics tire me out so I would have needed a long nappy-poo/recovery period afterwards anyways. I will trust that the Lord’s will will be served once again. So before I stop making any sense at all, I will end here.

It’s probably the way it should be? JJ