Unbelievable! To fall asleep without being tazored by seizure attacks. To wake up without over 15 minutes of tazoring. To start the day with just a trace of a headache. To get outside and work in my garden in the morning! To be looking forward to an afternoon nap in anticipation of a gathering with some friends at the home of one of them on a lake. For this to come together on a beautiful day.
Yes, praise be to the Lord. The last 12 hours have been relatively great. Thank you Jesus!
I finally got off the couch today around 1:00 a.m. That’s when I started to feel better and realized that a few more newly installed plants still needed watering in the yard. My husband, Steve, had graciously watered a few before he went to bed at 11:30 p.m. when it became clear that it was not going to rain this evening. Yipes! I don’t want to lose the new seedlings, annual flowers, bare root starts, transplanted bush and perennials that I was miraculously able to get in the ground these past three weeks. And now in the wee hours of the morning, I am grateful that it makes no difference to my dog what time we go outside to the garden. Anytime, any weather, any occasion, she is ready. I wuv my pup!
I am so glad that it also doesn’t appear to matter to my Jesus what I am able to accomplish in a day. While I look around and see the paper towels that need replacing in the kitchen, the crock pot that has been running for a day and a half that needs to be put in the refrigerator, a full load of clean dishes in the dishwasher that need putting away, and so on, I am acutely aware of all that I am unable to do. Ah, there’s that phrase from my 12-Step Program days: I am a human being, not a human doing! I am perfectly o.k. just as I am, sitting on the couch for most of today. Now I also know that there are other issues such as stewardship, working as unto the Lord, and using my spiritual gifts to serve others unto Him. Those tasks will be there another day. Today was a low key day. Today was a sick day. And today is over, yeah God!
I wonder what tomorrow will bring? One thing appears to be certain: Elle will be ready to go, available without needing to stop and take care of anything else but please me, but be with me. Oh do I ever love like that? I pray that if I am able, I will love like that too, with a smile and a spring in my step. Maybe I’ll even get to help out at the plant sale at our local Cooperative Extension Office. Wow. That would be fun! Regardless, I will be o.k. It makes no difference if I fuss about it either. As for right now, it’s time to get some sleep!
Matthew 6:25-34
The elders and some men rallied around Steve and I at church this evening to pray for us. (James 5:14) Very humbling and sweet.
Then they got back to business, teasing and cajoling one another in typical guy-fashion.
:J
Another author, Sarah Young encourages us in her book, Jesus Calling, to let the Lord envelop our outreach to others when times are tough. His love is infinite and transcends the strength and limited wisdom of our tiny brains, our earthly experiences. This is a better approach and moves me in the right direction.
But perhaps the place to find the best advice comes directly from God’s word. The opposite of weakness is strength. Searching for the word “strength” in the Bible yields 232 references! Wow. Finding this makes me realize that this must be something important to our God. He must want us to seek Him first in dealing with the people and situations we face in our lives or He wouldn’t have inspired men to write it down for us that many times! It makes sense: as Creator of all things He is the ultimate source for the power to overcome the stuff of this world. My favorite verse that helps me in my own times of weakness is Psalm 73:26:
26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Today the infilling of the Holy Spirit and His power helped me to do what I could not have done by myself. The task was relatively simple: make dinner for my husband and his good friend. After all, we had made most of the items yesterday and offered to have his friend over last weekend and it didn’t work out. All I had to do was tidy up a bit, set the table, make a salad, and put it all together. The only problem was that my husband called me to confirm that his friend was coming as I was waking up from a recovery nap just after noon. Nope, I wasn’t at church again today. I was feeling very beat up from a total of 11 hours of seizure attacks the night before that woke me up several times overnight and early this morning. My brain was still numb. The number of attacks were too many to count. I had wrenched my back in the process of involuntary shaking; the headache and back pain were piercing my frame. The last thing a gal wants to do when her face is swollen, brain foggy, body hurting and running through hot-n-cold sweat episodes is entertain! But if I did say yes, it would get me out of bed and going for the day. A voice inside me somewhere agreed to the plan. What?
As it turns out, everything came together regardless of how I was feeling. I got to have a normal experience after an abnormal, nightmarish one. I called upon the Lord and He sustained me, strengthened me for the task at hand. The food was great and fellowship meaningful. There was time to rest afterwards and take a call from another dear friend who understands what this journey through chronic illness is really like. After eating lunch and taking two Tylenols, I felt better by about 4:00 p.m. Whew. At least the whole day wasn’t wasted!
The “gentle approach” I usually need is the one I must take with myself. I must gently lay myself before the Lord at His throne of grace and let his love and strength wash over me. When I am weak, when I am unable, when I lack a humorous approach to cope, He is able. He is my Lord this day and always, my Emmanuel. I don’t have to control anything or make anything happen in whatever shred of strength I may have at any moment. He goes before me and it is always good. Today I could even taste it!
******************************************
As an aside, today is Mother’s Day in the United States. While many call it a Hallmark or greeting card holiday, it was actually signed into law after a woman wanted a woman in the role of motherhood to be recognized within her own family at least one day per year. The Lord did not grace me with the role of “mother.” Technically I am a step mother however that is not a title my husband’s adult children choose for me at this time. They are adults and I am cool with this. Recently I offered to adopt my husband’s grandchild as my own and was warmly received by the parents. I am humbled and joyful for this gift of a grandson! He now has five grandmothers and in time will see the benefits of the love and prayers of all of them. The Lord guided me in not forcing the issue of being recognized as a step mother or grandmother. Here we go again: sometimes a gentle approach is best. To Him be the glory in Christ Jesus when I do get it right. I could not do it without You!
In a way you could say that the promise of “starting over” has helped me move from:
Just wondering: how many of you, my gentle readers, have experienced this too? How many of us have initially and privately hoped that the simple move from one lifestyle to another, one geographical location to another, one relationship to another, one worker role to a promotion, or more would somehow be all we needed to change what is wrong or uncomfortable in our lives? The excitement, the risk to the unknown, the new adventure surely would change everything and bring true happiness! The lure, the answer to prayer, the next pursuit will be “it.” After all, once we have moved on, that person who bugs us, the issue we don’t want to face, the pain that we simply can no longer bear, the emptiness in our hearts will go also away, right? In our minds we might figure that won’t have to deal with him or her, with it anymore.
Not! The only problem with this mentality I have found, is that I take myself with me to the new destination! What I mean is that if I have not prepared my heart to let go of the past, deal with the past, and found new ways of coping with the past, I will somehow recreate the problem in the new location. Not true, you say? You are different? Are you sure?
May I share my most graphic example? I grew up in a modest blue collar home tainted by alcoholism, financial strife, divorce, abuse, and my maladaptive coping style of workaholism. Sure I had lots of friends, school and community service activities, and spending money from working but my inner life was chaotic even sad. If anyone could read my thoughts at that time I would surely be in trouble with someone, somewhere! Out of sheer determination to improve my life as a young adult and get away from my domineering mother, I set my sights on college. Within 3 months after graduation, I moved out-of-State alone to the Chicago area for my first job when I could not find one locally. I had to get away anyways. Finally I would be free from my past and able to live my life as I wanted.
It took about a year for me to realize that my problems had moved with me! My “stinking thinking,” the unhealthy people with whom I ended up associating, the social habits I once despised, and the compulsive work ethic to succeed at all costs mimicked the dysfunction of my childhood home. I walked further and further from my Catholic upbringing. I set my sights on more career achievements and prepared to enter graduate school. When my double-life and underlying feelings couldn’t catch up with my ambitions, I sought counseling to fix it. Turns out it would take a long time, a lot of money, many different avenues of recovery leading to a personal relationship with Jesus Christ to find freedom. The geographical move away from “home” did not do anything to fix anything!
There’s a simple phrase I’ve come across over the years that goes, “wherever you go, there you are.” It’s so silly yet it’s very profound. We take ourselves with us just as we are wherever we go. If we don’t change, the change in circumstances won’t change much of anything either.
Flash forward 25 years and I hope that you will find that my life today is very different then back then. The trials and tragedies during the interim years have been almost unbelievable at times. During 2003 to 2005 I was forced to start over as a single woman and completely move five times. This year I’d say that was a warm up act for the fourteen changes in sleeping locations over seventy-six days during the process of mold remediation at home! The difference between then and now, between the Detroit to Chicagoland move in 1983, was how the Lord allowed me to handle it. Only by the grace of God have I ever truly moved forward. With my life surrendered to Him and with the spiritual leadership of the Holy Spirit and my husband, there was no trauma in relocating this time; the stress was normal. There was no magical thinking; I didn’t need to win the lottery to be at peace. If the change turned out well or not, I would be o.k. and the Lord would and has provided for my needs. The Lord used each move this time to show me His love and plan for my life and the people that came along were His chosen instruments: pretty cool folks.
I have given pretty graphic examples here in uncovering the illusion of a “geographical cure.” Some of you will be able to relate to my situation and some will not. Please get the take home message written best by the God of the Bible:
Romans 8:28
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (NIV)
Each step of the way can be useful, never wasted if we but seek first His face, His kingdom, and
Romans 12:2
2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. (NIV)
The first step is to look to the real cure for all that ails us, the One who created us.
Matthew 6:33
33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. (NIV)
For those that call Him Lord, He will give us no more that we can handle, the desires of our hearts, a way out when needed, and much goodness; our thoughts and desires both conform and grow in our walk with Him. The pain, the fear, the adventure of letting go will be worth the journey if we but commit ourselves to Him. The move to follow Him will bring a spiritual cure of sorts that will exceed any that we might create or imagine on our own in this life and the next! The cure, the answer to our prayers, may also relate less to our jobs, our families and friends, our places of residence, our ministries, than the condition of our hearts. Our minds become sanctified; our hearts become free.
A fun outcome for me with the move to Fort Wayne to marry Steve was learning to kayak at age 47. This would have been emotionally painful if not terrifying just a few years earlier! And yet few years after relocating and opening my heart to this new love, I became physically stronger than I’d ever been and progressed from a tandem plastic, pedal-driven Hobie Oasis to a solo introductory racing Stellar SR surf ski! Wow Jesus. Talk about restoring the years the locusts have eaten! (Joel 2:25)
Yeah, kayaking in my own vessel may be on hold for awhile while I am recovering from Lyme Disease, but so what. It will be waiting for me, Lord willing, when the time is right on the most perfect of sunny days. In the meantime, I’ll paddle just along leisurely in the back of our ocean-style, tandem 24 foot outrigger canoe with a hot kayak racer/husband forging the rough waters in the front! Woweeee indeed!
So if you’re “starting over,” moving on, beginning a new chapter in your life, I encourage you to double check to see if there is any relational editing or heart check needed in the chapter, in the place that you are in right now. I gotta tell ya that if you don’t, the past could come back to bite you in the shorts when you least expect it. I don’t want that for you or for me. Take a spiritual inventory. Come to Christ and ask Him to search your heart and lead you into all righteousness, cleansed and free. (Psalm 139:23-24) If you do, true joy awaits you. I’m sure of this.
Jesus is for the Wounded 
You must be logged in to post a comment.